Conversations with Imaginary Characters

[Other Stuff]

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Written in one late night, in the last days of December 1995.

"A one act play about transition"

Characters:  
Elsie Red headed women in her late 30s, has deep voice;
Ozma Young woman with blonde hair, wearing OZ Tiara and holding fairy wand;
Jadzia Young woman wearing Startrek uniform with spots running down her hairline and neck;
Edgar Teenage boy about 13 years old with red hair and spectacles;
Girl Girl about 13 years old with red hair, no spectacles, holds on to battered teddy bear;
Shadow Person in "monster suit" with loud voice;
Pollychrome "Tinkerbell" light with disembodied female voice;
Cleaner Woman in cleaners outfit with mop and bucket;
Phone Voices An assortment of male and female voices.
Players    Characters
#1    Elsie
#2    Ozma, Voice#3, Shadow
#3    Voice#1, Jadzia, Cleaner, Pollychrome's voice
#4    Edgar
#5    Girl
#6    Voice#2, Voice#4, Voice#5, Voice#6 (all male voices).

ELSIE:

 Well here I am, next to another threshold. Go to Sydney or stay in Perth. Go or stay. It's not like Kafka said at all, there's no gatekeeper, no one here but me.

[Fidgets]

Gee I feel panicky -- what if it doesn't work out? Anything could go wrong! I know -- a bit of prayer and meditation.

 

 [Dials number -- telephone rings at other end.]

VOICE#1:
[nasally female voice]

 [sounding bored] Hello, I'm sorry, but God isn't here at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message and a number we can contact you on...

ELSIE:

What? Look this is me, Elsie. Call me on 555 18 1057 when you get back -- it's urgent.

[hangs up]

ELSIE:

 [voice over] What's it coming to...

[says] Geez Goddess, what do you have in store for me? It'd help if I knew.

[sits for while, puts her head in her hands]

 

 [a young woman enters frame. She has a wand and is wearing a tiara with the letters "O" and "Z" overlaid]

OZMA:

 Hello.

ELSIE

 Hi, what's your name?

OZMA:

 Ozma. The Goddess sent me to talk to you about your future.

ELSIE:

 Really? That was good of her. Thanks mom. Ozma huh, that's a cute name.

OZMA:

 Yes, I was given it by my Author, Mr Baum.

ELSIE:

 Baum? Ah, I've got it. The Princess Ozma from the Oz books, right?

OZMA:

 Yes, that's right.

ELSIE:

 And you used to be a boy called Tip, right?

OZMA:

 Please, I don't like to talk about that.

ELSIE:

 Same here, at least not with strangers. So what's the future like then?

OZMA:

 I can't tell you, I don't know.

ELSIE:

 That's a fat lot of good then. How can you help me with the future then?

OZMA:

 I can't. It isn't written yet. Only you can write your own future. No one else can.

ELSIE:

 [yawns] This is news?

OZMA:

 To you it is. You still think that future's like a book -- turn to page 146 and find out how it ends. What about the middle?

ELSIE:

 Well, um, you've got me there. Are you saying it isn't? What's it like then?

OZMA:

 That's obvious -- it's more like the present only more so. It hasn't happened yet.

ELSIE:

 [waves hands about, walks about stage] Great! That's real helpful. So what about my future?

OZMA:

 [follows Elsie about stage] It's there, but only you can see what it might be, and if you want it, you've got to make the effort to get it.

ELSIE:

 I'm not quite with you.

OZMA:

 Simple, no pain, no gain. Jadzia will explain.

ELSIE:

 Jadzia? Who...

[phone rings, Elsie returns to chair to answer it]

VOICE#2:
[rough male voice]

 Hi, is Bob there?

ELSIE:

 No!

[hangs up phone violently]

 

 Bloody interruptions. Now what... ...where'd she go?

[Ozma is gone. Elsie looks about stage, stands near edge of spotlight]

ELSIE:

 [voice over] Jadzia? Isn't that the a name of that character from Star Trek -- the trill? I used to love Star Trek. All those worlds to explore. And they didn't kill them mostly. Shit, I used to feel like Spock.

[puts hand to head]

It wasn't that he didn't have emotions, he just couldn't show them. That was me all right. Shit I was afraid back then.

[person partly in shadows, and behind Elsie, taps her on the shoulder]

ELSIE:

 Ah... shit! Why'd you do that for? Scared me out of ten years growth.

[Person steps into light. She is a young woman in a Startrek uniform, with spots running down her hairline]

JADZIA:

 Sorry, why are you so jumpy?

ELSIE:

 You're Jadzia, right? Ozma told me you'd be coming. You look nothing like your photos.

JADZIA:

 I seldom do. Now What can I do for you Ms...

ELSIE:

 Brooks, with no "E". Well Ozma was trying to explain the future...

JADZIA:

 Yes, and?

ELSIE:

 She said something about "no pain, no gain" -- what does that mean?

JADZIA:

 Just what it says. You've got to put the effort in to get something out -- "speculate to accumulate".

ELSIE:

 But pain?

JADZIA:

 Change always involves pain, otherwise everyone'd be doing it, all the time. You should know that. It's when the pain of what is outweighs the pain of change, that a person makes that change in their life. It's the same with you.

ELSIE:

 But, what about the future?

JADZIA:

 Well, what about it?

ELSIE:

 Huh?

JADZIA:

 Look. Sometimes people live in the past. You are who you are through all your experiences. You use the sum total of your past.

ELSIE:

 Right... ...and?

JADZIA:

 And the present is actually part of the past of your future. If you don't make that effort, the present and the future are lost, because now becomes then and can't be recalled.

ELSIE:

 Even if that's true -- so?

JADZIA:

 So you need to go through that door, cross that threshold, make that commitment.

ELSIE:

 Oh, but, but I still hurt!

JADZIA:

 I know. You are still caught in the past. You haven't let go.

ELSIE:

 Let go? Let go of what?

[phone rings]

VOICE#3:
[female voice]

 Hello, hello, is Bob there?

ELSIE:

 No!

[hangs up phone]

ELSIE:

 OK, so you were...

[Jadzia is gone]

...she's gone now too. What'd she mean? What aren't I letting go of?

 

 [does make-up in pocket mirror, twiddles thumbs]

ELSIE:

 Well, I want to go through that door. What is holding me back? Hello, who's this?

[Elsie peers into darkness -- at the edge of the light a teenage boy is standing. He appears to be picking his nose. Hidden behind the boy so that the audience cannot clearly see her is a teenage girl]

EDGAR:

 Please miss, don't hurt me.

ELSIE:

 Cue? What a thing to say. Come here.

EDGAR:

 Please, I wasn't doin' nothin' wrong.

[Edgar moves closer to Elsie, Girl behind him matches steps so as to obscure herself from audience]

ELSIE:

 I believe you. Say, don't I know you from somewhere? You look familiar. I'm terrible with names and faces.

 

 [In the background, a dark menacing shape approaches unnoticed by all three]

ELSIE:

 So what's your name?

EDGAR:

 Um, Edgar.

ELSIE:

 Hey, what a coincidence. I used to know someone by that name. I knew him well -- too well.

[shape gets closer, hovers at edge of light]

ELSIE:

 So what're you doing here little boy?

[Edgar shakes shoulders, stays silent]

ELSIE:

 That tells me a lot. Why are you here?

[The shape moves out of darkness. It is a person in a monster suit made from blankets that droop and obscure it's shape. It seizes Edgar and starts shaking and slapping him. Edgar cries out and the hidden girl is thrown clear]

ELSIE:

 Hey!

SHADOW:

 [laughs]

ELSIE:

 Fuck! OK, get out of it!!

[Elsie wrestles with SHADOW for a while, then kicks it in the groin. It growls and runs off to the edge of the light]

SHADOW:

 [shouting] I'll get you -- All of you -- I'll be back, you'll see!!!

[Elsie is out of breath, panting. Edgar is lying on the floor, shaking and crying in hysterical sobs]

ELSIE:

 I know who you are now.

[Elsie kneels down, hugs and holds Edgar close]

It'll be back, we both know that.

EDGAR:

 Y-y-yes. It's horrible. Won't it end? [sobs]

ELSIE:

 It will one day. Then the epilepsy won't come back, it'll be gone for good, maybe.

EDGAR:

 Please miss, you don't sound sure.

ELSIE:

 I'm not going to lie, not to you. That bastard will be back, and when he can't use Epilepsy it'll use something else. But mostly it won't be back, but you never know.

EDGAR:

 You're frightening me. I want to know, I've got to know. It's horrible, it makes me a monster!

ELSIE:

 [holds Edgar close] No it doesn't, don't talk rot!

EDGAR:

 But, but, I'm a monster, a MONSTER! [ starts sobbing again]

ELSIE:

 [angry] No it doesn't! Don't say that!

EDGAR:

 But I've seen the way the other kids look at me, like I was a monster, like I'm different.

ELSIE:

 You are different -- but that will be a joy, not a burden. Don't worry, it'll all be ok, you'll see.

EDGAR:

 [looks up, slightly hopeful] It will?

ELSIE:

 Yes, come on, I'll dry you eyes. It's good to be able to cry.

[Elsie dabs hanky around Edgar's eyes]

There now, feeling better?

EDGAR:

 Um, yes?

ELSIE:

 You don't sound convincing. What's the matter now?

EDGAR:

 Um, well, I have to be strong, for her.

ELSIE:

 [looks puzzled] Her?

EDGAR:

 Yes, her!

[Edgar points at girl, who has been looking at both in silence, holding teddy bear and sucking her thumb]

She's always there. She don't say much, but she's always watching.

ELSIE:

 Does she have a name?

EDGAR:

 I'm not sure -- Elsie I think. Maybe, she never says -- she's afraid to let people know she's there. She's very shy.

ELSIE:

 So I see. [turns to girl] Is Elsie your name little girl?

[The girl nods her head "yes"]

OK, and both of you and me are really the same person aren't we?

[The Girl nods her head again. Edgar looks anxious, stands up]

EDGAR:

 That can't be miss -- I'm a monster and she's nice. that can't be right.

 

 [Elsie stands up and straightens her dress]

ELSIE:

 But it is. I know that now. And you two are me when I was young.

EDGAR:

 But you're a girl! Gee you talk funny miss. What a joke!

ELSIE:

 Yes, it is isn't it. And the joke's on us kids. It'll take you a long time to get it.

 

 [Phone rings, Elsie picks it up]

VOICE#4:
[male voice]

 Hello there, I'm trying to get through to Bob.

ELSIE:

 Look, Bob isn't here. I'm waiting for an important phone call from God. I can't have the lines tied up thank you very much!

[hangs up phone]

ELSIE:

 Who that fuck's this Bob character anyway?

[Phone rings again. Elsie picks up the phone angrily]

Look, get the fuck off this line! I'm waiting for an important call OK, I don't want to talk to you!

VOICE#5:
[in "frank Spencer" voice]

 Well, I'm only answering the message you left on my machine. Sorry I was out, I had to go off and act in a mysterious way. Very tiring that is, very tiring.

You're not very polite you know, most people give me a a little respect you know.

ELSIE:

 [looking shocked] Ah, is this God?

VOICE#5:

 That's Mister God to you sunny jane! Now what can i do for you?

ELSIE:

 Well I, that is, I mean...

VOICE#5:

 Yes?

ELSIE:

 Well, I'm confused.

VOICE#5:

 Confused?

ELSIE:

 Yes. Look -- I spent most of my life being someone else and doing things for everyone but me.

VOICE#5:

 Yes, and?

ELSIE:

 Well here i am, ready to cross a threshold to something new, to a new beginning.

VOICE#5:

 Sounds good. What's the problem?

ELSIE:

 Well, [embarrassed] I'm afraid.

VOICE#5:

 Is that all? [laughs]

ELSIE:

 [angry]Hey -- don't laugh -- what's so funny?

VOICE#5:

 You don't learn do you Elsie? You've made all these changes and done all these things and you still haven't learn it have you?

ELSIE:

 Er, learnt what?

VOICE#5:

 Being afraid is OK, it's normal. Anyone who's brave is also afraid. The only difference is that they face their fears and get on with it. Just get on with it. Don't get stuck in the past.

ELSIE:

 Oh. And that's it?

VOICE#5:

 Yeah, why, got a problem with that have you?

ELSIE:

 Um, no; I guess I thought that brave people were different to me. You know, like they had some special quality that I didn't.

VOICE#5:

 [laughs] You do say the funniest things Elsie. Everyone's got what it takes to be brave and carry on. It's just that some of you don't want to exercise this part of you. You're all only human you know...

ELSIE:

 So...

VOICE#5:

 ...so...

ELSIE:

 ...all I have to do is go through that door, cross the threshold, is that all?

VOICE#5:

 Yep! No Pain No Gain! Don't worry, I sent the kids to keep you company on the trip. They're three of the cutest people I know, for you that is. I know a lot of people, why I remember...

[Elsie hangs up phone]

ELSIE:

 No pain no gain! Now where have I heard that before? Oh well kids, time to go. Grab my hands.

[Elsie opens door which opens away from the audience. All that can be seen is darkness on the other side]

EDGAR:

 I don't want to go in there miss -- it's cold and dark. I'm afraid of the dark.

ELSIE:

 You'll be OK, come on. You too Elsie.

[Edgar doesn't move. The Girl just stands there sucking her thumb]

Hmm, well I'm not going to force you, but I won't go if you don't come with me.

 

 [A spot of light appears in the air, as created by special effects]

ELSIE:

 What now?

POLLYCHROME:
[a disembodied female "fairy" voice]

 Hi, sorry I'm late. I stopped to watch a sunset. It was fun.

ELSIE:

 Uh, OK. What who, er, what are you?

POLLYCHROME:

 Pollychrome, your magical inner child.

[the spot of light moves about]

ELSIE:

 [looks away] So that's what that bastard meant, when he said three kids. I was trying to figure out how he'd make a mistake.

[looks up] Are you coming too?

POLLYCHROME:

 That's why I'm here.

ELSIE:

 Not afraid of the dark?

POLLYCHROME:

 Only when I want to be. I bring my own light but sometimes it's fun to play scared.

ELSIE:

 Good. Well, time we left.

[Elsie takes Edgar's hand, and Edgar takes the Girl's hand. She leads them through the door. The spot of light descends to the door and disappears.]

[Shortly after they go through, the Shadow shambles over to the door, laughs and evil laugh, walks through and closes the door.]

[There is a short gap when nothing happens. A cleaner comes into stage with mop and bucket, and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She starts to clean the stage. The telephone rings. She picks it up]

CLEANER:

 Yeah?

VOICE#6:
[thick Texan accent]

 Hi. This is Bob. Have there been any calls for me?

END

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